Why does my personality always get in the way? It’s the one question I often ask myself. What I’d do to be this normal, run off the mill guy with no past hurt or no dramas. I look at people around me and sometimes wonder, do you know how lucky you are? For me, part of my past experiences sometimes allows my head to run away with itself. It eventually ends up hurting not only me but the person I’m interacting with at that point because sometimes I can’t see the woods for the trees, push too far and end up upsetting people I’m truly close with.
Its all a symptom of not feeling good enough and not feeling adequate. Being in a past relationship where you were told you were worthless and second best, piercing words going right to the core of you. Trying to overcome those words is hard, even after that relationship has run its course. They stick at the back of your mind and you question; are they right?
It’s so easy to lock yourself away after a relationship like that. Its easy not be involved with anybody. You don’t hurt yourself, you don’t hurt anybody else and you just keep yourself to yourself. However, as I know by now its not a basis for a happy future.
So you end up, naturally in life, forging new friendships. Its not until you realise how important these people have become to you that your previous feelings start coming to the table. You start to wonder why this person has become close to you? Why do they like me? Why do they even want to converse with me? You start to think that you’d not cope if they disappeared from your life and start to question things and make yourself look rather anxious and mad by constantly seeking approval and acceptance. It is a character trait that I hate myself for. I never used to be like it, I could be a standard, chilled out guy but past experiences have made me question and always think the worst.
The worst part of it all comes following this; You spend such a long time developing new friendships, learnt a lot about that person and from my own point of view tell that person things that nobody in this world even knows about and with your actions which you desperately want to stop, you fear you’ve thrown it all away.
You then come to realise what you have caused, what arguments you have caused, what horrible comments you have made even if you don’t mean any single one of them, you drive yourself mad over it and all you can do is hope for the best.
You have to try and learn to change. You can’t go on doing this, you don’t want to lose people who have become so close to you. I know to a lot of you this will all be garbled nonsense, to me I know exactly what I’m talking about. I recently made things difficult with a close friend of mine, just with my bad points of my current personality and historical events shining through. I didn’t mean it, its something I wish I could go back and repair. Nobody will understand who I am talking about, but if this person does read this, I just wanted to say sorry for the stuff I said and did. The relationships I have forged in the past 7 months have been incredible and I thank everyone involved on this blog and on Twitter for being so amazing.